You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Is Oprah even human
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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