I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
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