she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
When did angry sex become our thing?
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
