Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
