Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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