So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
