I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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