I'm sorry my penis didn't work
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
You have to summon your inner elephant
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
