Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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