I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
cat food counts as protein by the way
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize