and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
