My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
