I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
