time to smoke my breakfast
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
