i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
My boob is missing a layer of skin
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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