The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
