Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Randomize
