He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
The best revenge is premature balding
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
