Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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