so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
