so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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