I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I'm at about main and main street
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
