Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
