You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
