my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
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