my room smells like sperm. sweet.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
