Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
There are leaves in my underwear?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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