would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
