you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
