I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
