im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
