Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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