I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
