MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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