anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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