We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize