No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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