I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
