The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
