i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
