Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
