i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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