I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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