I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
