hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
