I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize