I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
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