That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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