I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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