after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
