You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
where are you?
Hypothermia
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
