Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize