Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
