you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
