She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
