I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
