Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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