If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
