i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Randomize
