Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
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