i jhust puked up my retainher.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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