there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I'm like, not good at living.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
