I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
