Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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