my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
