Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
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