textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize