His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I would ride that face into the sunset
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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