it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Randomize
