So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
