why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I party with great urgency now.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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