Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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