halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
