There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction.
It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them
Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
