I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
